There is a recent New York Times article about an upward trend in women keeping their maiden names. I agreed with some of the findings, but I think it is safe to say that the decision to keep your maiden name is entirely personal. It was interesting to hear that fewer and fewer women are keeping their maiden names purely for feminist reasons. For many it was because they were married later in life and had established careers with their maiden names. For others it was seemingly out of convenience – these women did not want to go through the hassle of changing their names and a few even feared the complications of changing one’s name only to change it back should she get divorced. For me it was a combination of several different things. 

Growing up I never gave much thought to getting married or what my wedding would be like. Until I started to like boys I never once considered changing my name (initially I prefaced name with ‘last’; however, to me it really is changing my name not just my last name). However, as I started to have boyfriends I toyed around with replacing his name for mine (anyone ever play True Love or Loves depending on the number of s letters in a boy’s name?). I even remember hating that I always fell towards the end of the alphabet so daydreamed about having a last name closer to the beginning (however, then, some teachers started working the reverse alpha-order and that worked in my favor!).

As I got older and had more serious relationships – some good and one terribly awful relationship – and actually started thinking about the possibility of marriage, I knew I would not change my name. My name is who I am. I am Kristin Marie Grace Seubold and have been for the last 31 years. This name has carried me through forays into tennis, golf, swimming, pre-professional ballet, college, four jobs, and now graduate school. It is also a tribute to my parents who provided me with so many opportunities. I know many probably think I did not change my name due to my dad’s passing; however, I knew way before he became sick that I would remain a Seubold. 

When Patrick asked me to marry him, I revisited the idea of changing my name because we all know change is the only constant on which we can rely. But what I discovered was that I still wanted to keep my name. It was not a decision born out of convenience (it is actually much more inconvenient having kept my maiden name – more on that later) or because I worry about divorce (I probably should not have gotten married if that thought had already crossed my mind!). It all comes back to the fact that my name is who I am – who I have been and who I will be – and there is a small part of me that never quite understood why a woman was required, then swayed by tradition to change her name (there’s that feminism I know and love!). Do I think any less of someone who does change her name? Of course not! The majority of my friends, if not all, who are married changed their names and I think it’s great. Why? Because each person made her own decision. It is just different than the decision I made.

Back to the inconveniences I face for keeping my maiden name. First, most people assume I changed my name or will be changing my name. Of course I don’t fault them for the former; however, I do wish more people would ask rather than making the assumption. I was most surprised by my Grandma who did ask me whether or not I had changed my name and how I wanted my mail addressed. For someone who married during a time when there were few questions she would change her name, I was really touched that she asked (and for those of you who are wondering, I prefer Mrs. Kristin Seubold).

At our wedding we did several things to help make it clearer that I wasn’t changing my name. Our officiant and our band introduced us as the newly married couple, Patrick and Kristin rather than Mr. and Mrs. Joyce. I know it was subtle but it was important to me. I know there is a part of Patrick that wishes I would change my name, but I also know he fully respects and understands my decision. Keeping my name does not mean I love him any less; in fact, I love him even more for respecting and supporting my decision.

When people do discover that I decided to keep my name, almost always the next question to follow is what will you do when you have kids? I know that I will not change my name; however, honestly, I haven’t given it much more thought than that. It will be a conversation between Patrick and me, but regardless of my name and theirs, there will be no question that I am their mom and we are family. If we have kids, whether a girl or a boy, I hope my decision empowers them to not feel pressured by societal norms and, instead, comfortable and confident making their own decisions based on their values. And I hope it makes them more understanding of others’ decisions particularly when they are different from the ones they make. Should we have a daughter who decides to change her name, that’s great. Should we have a son who decides to change his name, that’s great, too.

Too often we feel pressure to do things a certain way because that’s just the way it is or has been; all I ask is that we allow everyone to take the time to reflect and make a decision that feels right to them regardless of its alignment with social norms.

photo credit: cassandra photography